Join everyone's favorite Governor of Maine as he works to suppress his rage and discover meaning in life.

Sarah Rice
Getty Imaged - Sarah Rice - Edited

Greetings everyone. My name is Tom Astaay and I am Paul LePage’s newly-hired Spirital Guide.

My good friend Paul has been having some trouble with his temper lately and has sought me out for “spiritual guidance.” I have a PHD in Spiritual Studies and an MBA in Anger Management, so you know I am qualified for the challenge laid before me.

Paul has reached out to me because he is tired of being so angry all the time and threatening to shoot his political opponents. He wants to stop being so cranky and learn to love Democrats, reporters and everyone else he wants to throw a jar of vaseline at.

He seeks spiritual guidance, but I am not sure what religion will give him the answers he seeks. That is why I took it upon myself to offer up a wide variety of spiritual options to cool his temper and teach him to love again.

Since I am a spiritual guru, I have already envisioned how my first session with Mr. LePage will go. Here is an edited transcript of our session:


Me: Let’s get started Paul. Jesus Christ said “Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.” Maybe you can keep those teachings in mind when you engage with others?

LePage: What does this neighbor guy look like? Is he named D-Money, Smoothie, Shifty?

Me: His name does not matter. Jesus teaches us to love all of God’s children.

LePage: What if my neighbor is a son-of-a-b----? I should love him, then challenge him to a duel right?

Me: No. You should forgive him and turn the other cheek.

LePage: Can we go back to the Old Testament? I like all that stuff about smiting and genocide...


Me: Okay it looks like we might have to slide over to Judaism. The Jewish people believe they are chosen by God and act as examples to the rest of the world.

LePage: Great. So I’ll convert to this Judaism thing and then make an example out of everyone I don’t like?

Me: No, no, no Paul. You need to be a role model as God’s chosen and BE AN EXAMPLE for others to look up to on this earth.

LePage: Still don’t get it. All I know is that being Jewish will make me EVEN better than I already am compared to everybody else. Tell them all to kiss my butt!

Me: I think we should move on.


Me: Buddhism might be the perfect solution for you. There is no need to be angry when reporters write mean things about you because there is no such a thing as a “self.” Take a seat and meditate with me while thinking only of your breathing.

LePage: (Breathing heavily) Okay I am trying.

Me: Clear your mind.

LePage: (Breathing heavier and sweating) I….I...ju…..ust can’t! I keep thinking about those nasty little reporters telling lies about me! I want to find the Press Herald building and blow it up!

Me: I don’t think you should do that Paul. All beings in this world are suffering and your anger leads to even more suffering...

LePage: Which leads to hate! I hate them all! They make up this other Paul Lepage that isn’t me! I want to challenge them all to a duel for stealing my identity and creating him! We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little reporters’s. Wicked, tricksy, false!

Me: Alright let’s step away from Buddhism, and apparently Middle Earth, and see if they next one will help you find spiritual peace.


Me: How about Islam Paul? Mohammed urged his followers not to slander, curse, speak obscenely, or speak rudely. That might be a good lesson for you to bring to your everyday life. In fact, I think there might be many things that...

LePage: Going to have to stop you right there Tom.

Me: Yeah I figured that would be a long shot for you. How about this next one?


Me: Listen Paul I am running low on options here. Mormons wants to have everybody join them in a glorious afterlife.

LePage: Sounds great. Is there a Hell?

Me: Well, they believe in Hell in two ways. One way...

LePage: Say no more. Can’t wait to throw Obama and the rest of the liberal scum in Hell to rot for eternity! I can look forward to being in my awesome Heaven while they roast away before me!

Me: That isn’t really the point. They want to save…

LePage: Burn them! Burn them all!

Me: Listen Paul. None of the religions we went over so far are going to help you, and we only have time for one more try this session. This is my wild card, and I don’t think it will work, but let’s try it. What do you think about...


Me: Scientology?

LePage: Scientology? Heard of it. What do they believe?

Me: Well…Scientologists believe there was a dictator from the "Galatic Confederacy" named Xenu who brought billions of aliens to Earth to be murdered by hydrogen bombs in volcanoes about 75 million years ago. The souls of those aliens were brainwashed to believe in a false reality and roamed the earth mindlessly. They then have themselves to mankind and that is the source of all of our problems.

LePage: Makes sense! I love it! Wow!

Me: Really? This crazy nonsense makes sense to you? And will help you become a better, happier person?

LePage: Of course! It is all so clear to me now! I need to be nice to people and learn how to be a better public figure for the state of Maine. That way I can gain their trust and eventually become an intergalactic warlord that will shoot countless alien reporters with lasers! Then I can mold the universe to my image. I love Tom Cruise!

Me: I'll see you next week Paul.


Editor's Note: This is obviously a joke and nobody should believe that "Tom Astaay" is Maine Governor Paul LePage's Spritual Guide. None of this happened. If you believe anything on this page, then you might want to take up Scientology.

(The views expressed on this page belong to the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of this station or Townsquare media.)

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