We finally have a solid, succinct description of this new game known as pickleball: “loud" and "stressful", at least according to one Massachusetts town where players are accused of using their racquet to make a…yep…bunch of loud noises.

It seemed like pickleball was just what the mean streets of Wellesley needed. But in a town spat rivaled only by khakis vs. corduroys, Wellesley is coming apart at the seams (or whatever pickleballs are made of) over so-called “stressful noise.”

NBC Boston reported on a virtual Zoom meeting that left more than a few sweater vests ruffled.

A resident named John Mancini didn’t hold back in sharing his displeasure:

“I find the noise for Pickleball very annoying, upsetting. I hear it in every room in my house. It’s stressful.”

You hear that? Stress. In every room of his house.

Is there a doctor in said house??

No. But Dr. Christopher Garris, another pained resident, also weighed in.

“It’s like hearing a perpetual game of ping-pong. Significant, chronic noise has an impact on health and well-being.”

Actually, it’s a combination of ping-pong, tennis, badminton, squash, and a few other things. But who am I to argue? I’m not a doctor.

But that didn’t stop another resident for swinging back at the pickle-poopers. Per WCVB, resident and pickler (?) Jim Garvey says being anti-pickleball means you’re anti-elderly:

“It's OK for young people to make noise as they play soccer, baseball, lacrosse at Sprague but not the same rights are given to older people.”

But that’s when resident Kerry Sullivan served up a spike:

“The sound of kids enjoying their sport is not a nuisance. Pickleball noise is different. It is a high-impact noise.”

The meeting ended just as it began: with the town in a pickle. Officials said they would take into consideration all points of view before discussing it at more at future meetings.

It’s a dangerous game, this pickleball. Just be glad you don’t know what the hell it is.

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