Read This Before Buying a Truck in New England

There used to be a saying that “FORD” stood for “Fix Or Repair Daily.” But if the company gets its way, that might be, “Finance Or Return to Dealer.”

Without the owner even knowing.

Prepare to be wicked freaked, New England: Ford has filed a patent for a vehicle that would gradually stop functioning with each missed payment.

This means that if you miss a payment in the summer, you could be caught in traffic on the way to the Cape and have your air conditioning cut. And if you miss a payment in the winter, you could be on your way to Sunday River and have the heat go bye-bye.

But it gets even freakier.

When Ford gets tired of waiting…the car would actually drive itself back to the dealership!

I’m not sure who should feel worse – the lady who has to call out of work because her truck left her, or the Masshole who spends five minutes flipping off a robot (do they still make white Ford Broncos? When O.J. goes for a 30^th anniversary ride next year, do we just put his car on the phone with an Alexa?).

In the words of New England’s Auto Lauriat Jay Leno, “Here’s my question”: does it work the other way? Say someone pays off their loan faster than expected. Does their Ford get even better?

Can the truck play 20 questions with our kids? Is there a hypnosis device that prevents them from requesting “Yellow Submarine” on repeat while you’re stuck in the Ted Williams Tunnel – silently wishing it were your head that was frozen?

How about an ejector seat for when your in-laws say “There’s a spot!” each time you pass by a hydrant? These are just ideas, people (when it comes to Boston traffic, good luck to the truck)!

But here’s a humble request for Ford (whose pickups are also the most stolen in at least one New England state): the next time you hijack a recurring bit I created for Jimmy, send me a check, too.