Where is Kim Jong-Un? I Have Some Ideas…

Kim Jong-un, everybody’s favorite supreme leader of North Korea, has not been seen in public for three weeks. I have some ideas of what he might be doing…

Many reports are speculating that the pudgy dictator is experiencing health problems since he was seen limping in July. Of course, the state-controlled Korean media KCNA is turning this idea into another example of how Kim Jong-un is taking one for the team.

"The wealth and prosperity of our socialism is thanks to the painstaking efforts of our marshal, who keeps lighting the path for the people, like the flicker of a flame, despite suffering from discomfort."

Right. The 31-year-old leader seems to have it so hard. All of that stress from the money and power must have gone to his hips, which have gotten significantly larger since he took control.

I don’t believe any of these excuses however, because I know the real reasons that Kim Jong-un might be laying low right now. Allow me to share them with you:

• A hacker has found a collection of his nude photos.
• He just realized how great our radio station is and has been listening nonstop.
• He has just discovered Game of Thrones and is binge-watching on HBO.
• He just bought a brand new Xbox One and is playing online under the gamertag “GR8 1337er”
• He is having a streak of bad hair days. Well, worse than usual.
• He is upset about the Family Guy/Simpsons crossover special. Everyone knows he is a hardcore Simpsons fan and hates Family Guy.
• He is apple picking and lead peeping in New England.
• He just discovered that there is a website called “Pornhub.”
• He is playing a game of Hide-and-Seek with his friends (and he made them all wear blindfolds.)
• He is on a tropical vacation with Jasmine Tridevil (that girl who pretended to get a third breast implant.)
• He is trying to get to the last level in Candy Crush on Facebook.
• He is drinking lattes with President Obama.
• He got liposuction and a nose job. Get ready for the new Kim Jong-un.
• He is visiting the moon.