An Ode to the Man Drinking Out of a Boot in the Bleachers at Red Sox Opening Day
Dear Man in the Bleachers at Red Sox Opening Day Drinking Sam Adams Out of an L.L. Bean Boot,
I hereby congratulate you. For today, you surpass President Kennedy, Presidents Adams, and Ernie Bochs Sr. and Jr. to become the Official Man of New England.
Do I know for sure that you were drinking Sam Adams? I do not. But can I safely assume? I think I can.
Was I able to firmly establish said boot was in fact from L.L. Bean? I was not. Can I comfortably presume? You better L.L. Believe it.
For many years, a red seat marked the spot where Ted Williams hit the longest home run in Fenway Park's 111-year history. But you – you deserve a seat of your own.
Why stop at just a seat? I motion that you be given your own statue outside the ballpark, complete with a fountain emanating from inside a bronzed boot.
In just the span of a few seconds, you somehow embodied nearly every human being in New England, all at once. You’ll never top this moment.
My apologies – I shouldn’t say “never.” There are still a few ways you could out-New England yourself. You could always…
Eat some Wahlburgers out of a CVS Bag at a Boston Pops concert.
Use a snow shovel to eat Ben & Jerry’s with Bernie Sanders at a Phish show.
Dip your lobster in some Dunkins at a Stephen King signing.
Race Jay Leno Around a rotary in a duck boat.
Use Playland Arcade tokens on a scratch-off ticket to pay for your fireworks.